I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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