I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up under a house in Key West
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
