when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
