Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize