I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
