you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
