I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
