Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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