I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize