Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
