he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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