yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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