I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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