ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
