She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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