I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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