I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
