I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
