Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
