Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
