I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
