I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I checked into jail on foursquare
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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