Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
