I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
