After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
