I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
