Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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