ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
