His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize