You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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