somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
