As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
