There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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