She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Randomize
