Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
PANTIES FOUND
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