I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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