I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
