so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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