if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
