I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize