the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
