So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
