I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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