In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
