It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
