if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
