I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
