i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize