When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
