I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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