Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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