I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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