I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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