I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
