Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
