A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
