Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
