And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
