I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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