Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
