How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
