I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
