I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Floor bacon is actually really good
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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