So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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