So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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