I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
