I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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