DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
