I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
